Mistake: noun
‘an act or judgement that is misguided or wrong’
I grew up absolutely terrified of ever making a mistake. I learned, early on, that it was better to say and do nothing at all, than it was to get something wrong. There were major consequences in my home if you made a mistake, and often, the parameters of what constituted a mistake were….blurry. My response to this was to be as quiet as possible, minimise the risk of making a mistake by tiptoeing around, and make it my ultimate aim to never perform an act that could be considered misguided or wrong. I completely shut myself down. It was the safe thing to do.
It’s not a terrible thing for a young child to learn the value of thinking things through and minimising certain risks. But it is also death to creativity and freedom. I remember feeling imprisoned in my own self, eventually so buried under the protective armour I had created that I didn’t realise that I was in a perpetual state of hiding. I couldn’t be myself at all. I was self conscious, ALL the time. I had absolutely no idea of who I actually was.
I remember feeling imprisoned in my own self, eventually so buried under the protective armour I had created that I didn’t realise that I was in a perpetual state of hiding.
As I’ve grown older and become more self-aware, I’ve realised that the most fundamental driver in my life is that of freedom. As soon as I feel shackled, whether physically, emotionally or mentally, I become wild and irrational. My thoughts spiral out of control, anxiety and anger begin to take hold, and I grapple with the desire to run away, leaving everything that I know behind. I hit the self – destruct button. Understanding this now, as I am approaching middle age, makes me realise that I have spent the majority of my life in a state which cannot fulfil my most basic need for autonomy. If you’re always afraid of mis-stepping, you’re imprisoned by your own fear. I have made it one of my life goals, personally, creatively, and as a parent, to allow the free flow of mistakes. They are the best lessons of all, essential steps on the journey towards creative freedom and autonomy.
If you’re always afraid of mis-stepping, you’re imprisoned by your own fear.
My daughter was very risk-averse as a toddler, compared to other children of her age. When we went to soft play, she would sit at the top of a slide, holding up the queue, watching other children go rampaging down and crashing into each other at the bottom. She would stand at the bottom of a climbing frame, looking at it for minutes at a time, watching the other children as they charged up, often falling off and watching their mums rush in to console them. I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. On the one hand, I loved that she was taking an intelligent, thoughtful approach. On the other, I saw myself and what I consider to have been a failing of mine in my earlier life – there are so many basic things that I am now fearful of that I could have tackled in those wonderful years when things truly are moment to moment – and wanted her to enjoy the freedom that I didn’t have as a child. I found myself, and still do find myself saying, over and over, that it’s absolutely fine to try things, and ‘to not quite get it exactly the way that you want’ (I don’t want to say that it’s okay to get it wrong, because I don’t believe that there’s any such thing when you’re learning).
I don’t want to say that it’s okay to get it wrong, because I don’t believe that there’s any such thing when you’re learning.
I don’t always get it right. I notice now that she tends to want to please both myself and Daddy, and finds it difficult to really appreciate the process of learning, rather than the end result of being able to do something fluently. But, she has a patience and ability to take her time in a rushed world which I am proud of. We can’t fix our own problems through our children, but we can look at ourselves and do our best to make sure that we don’t allow cycles to repeat themselves over and over, and allow our children the freedoms that weren’t afforded to us when we were growing up. One of the things I try to give to my children is that of being allowed to make mistakes. To embrace those missteps. And to know that making mistakes is the absolute height of self – education and a sure-fire sign that you are trying as hard as you can – and that is always good enough. In fact, it’s the most admirable and challenging act of learning.
One of the things I try to give to my children is that of being allowed to make mistakes. To embrace those missteps. And to know that making mistakes is the absolute height of self – education and a sure-fire sign that you are trying as hard as you can – and that is always good enough. In fact, it’s the most admirable and challenging act of learning.
We all have a history. We all have deeply buried reasons for wanting to be perfect, all the time. It’s hard to overcome the fundamental survival technique of simply avoiding anything that may lead to a mistake; perhaps you grew up in a home where mistakes had dire consequences. Perhaps you grew up in a home where you felt pressure to perform, ALL the time. Everyone is different. But if you feel shackled by your fear of making mistakes, you’re not alone. And if you choose to overcome that fear and open up your world by risking those mis-steps, I’m right with you.
Let’s mis-step together 🙂
