It’s the beginning of a new year. Hooray! All of the sins of the previous twelve months can be wiped from the record, cleaning the slate for the hopeful next chapter. We all make exciting resolutions; this is the year, we say, that we will get super – fit. Finally quit smoking. Pursue that dream career. This is the year that it’s all going to happen. After 2020, the year of staying at home, of having the occasional space to ponder what we’d do if things were different, of bombastically telling ourselves that when we have our freedom back we will make the absolute most of all opportunities on offer… The pressure is heightened.
Then, January hits home. Far from following through on those grand plans to completely overhaul everything that makes you unhappy, you’re at home while the world carries on without you, it’s pouring with rain outside, and you can’t bring yourself to leave the house, let alone transform your existence. A few days ago it all seemed possible. Today it seems hopeless. Your mind begins to turn in on itself, telling you that you have failed already; that this is only the beginning of your latest screw up. Your Inner Critic helpfully reminds you that you’re ridiculous for even allowing yourself to think that you could do better than fail. Your failure is inevitable. It says something that seems quite sensible to you in these dark moments – that you should probably throw in the towel before you humiliate yourself any further by making more stupidly ill – informed mistakes.
Far from following through on those grand plans to completely overhaul everything that makes you unhappy, you’re at home while the world carries on without you, it’s pouring with rain outside, and you can’t bring yourself to leave the house, let alone transform your existence. A few days ago it all seemed possible. Today it seems hopeless.
In these dark, winter months, it can be difficult to maintain a sense of perspective. I am hit so strongly by the winter blues that getting out of bed can feel like a gargantuan struggle – once I have fought that battle, I expend all of my energy on fighting the urge I have to go and crawl back into bed until it is Spring again. The kids continue to need their Mummy, they wake up when they wake up, are hungry when they are hungry, need emotional, physical and psychological engagement when they need it and I muster all of my courage and energy to give it all to them. It empties an already empty cup, one that is becoming dry, stagnant, cracked from a lack of personal nourishment, and each day becomes more brittle. Each day I wake up and wish for a few hours of solitary rest, time to read, time to process, time to find the faculties to be the person I actually want to be.
To reinstate some sense of dignity and worth, I promise myself that I’ll write that story I’ve had in my head for months, that I’ll finally record that voice reel, write the TV series I have in my head revamp the business or the blog,– because intellectually I know that doing those things will make me feel better. It’s just overwhelmingly difficult to actually get up and find the impetus to do them. And when I find the impetus… There seem to be a hundred other things to do. I want to do them all, but just… Can’t.
So, I drift through the day, in a frustrated limbo. The end of the day comes. And I feel as though I’ve done nothing. I’ve wasted a valuable day. I’ve done the thing I never wanted to do; I’ve wasted precious TIME.
Then, I feel worthless. The things that my self-worth hinge on – the belief that I DO stuff, follow through on my ideas and plans, spend my days working tirelessly towards my artistic, physical and career goals, are in shattered fragments. Fragments that pierce any glimmers of a positive sense of self that I may have had at the start of the day. At this point, I feel like I am nothing. And then, when I do forcefully command my tired mind and body to do something about it, I judge, question, and allow myself to be crippled by an indecisiveness that renders any positive action entirely pointless. Nothing gets done, because I just don’t believe in the value of what I’m doing. The gloomy cycle continues.
Nothing gets done, because I just don’t believe in the value of what I’m doing.
I’m getting older. Possibly wiser. And I’m slowly realising, that this gloomy cycle doesn’t have to play out in this way. It can be disarmed if I am able to do one small thing. One small thing that I have struggled to do all of my life. One small thing that is the key to unlocking the potential that I believe lives within each and every one of us. It is advice that I have read in many articles, yet the words have washed over me, perhaps because the dominant voice of my consciousness has chosen to dismiss this invaluable piece of advice until this point. So here I am, stunned by the power of something so simple, and so irrefutably positive in all of its aspects. Such a simple concept, but one that I have cowered away from for fear that I will fall down some kind of self – indulgent hole and end up being a grotesquely hedonistic version of myself who does nothing, achieves nothing, IS nothing. I am stunned by the challenge of this simple task; but the more I do it, the more I enjoy it, and the more I believe that I might just deserve it.
The small task?
Be kind. Be kind to yourself.
It’s not an easy thing to do. Our minds are wired to judge harshly when we don’t achieve every one of the grand goals that we have so unrealistically set for ourselves in the euphoric excitement of a new year, or in the heat of an excited conversation with a friend, feeling spurred on by an Instagram meme, or a podcast. My personal view is that the first priority in life is to allow yourself to navigate it’s ebbing, flowing waters, with all of the unpredictable highs and lows, with a well – developed and absolute trust in yourself. Love for yourself. If self – love hinges on the realisation of unrealistic goals, or some conditioned notion of who or what you should be, of how you should get there, and when, that awful feeling of self – hate will continue to dominate and colour your outlook, and convince you that you are worthless based on skewed values. That crippling insecurity that stands between you and being who you truly know yourself to be will have the power to paralyse you into complete inaction, making you question your very right to be alive.
My personal view is that the first priority in life is to allow yourself to navigate it’s ebbing, flowing waters, with all of the unpredictable highs and lows, with a well – developed and absolute trust in yourself. Love for yourself.
I find it all a huge challenge, and will continue to do so for a long time to come, but I know that if I can learn to love and accept myself, no matter what challenges the weather, material circumstance or, most terrifying, my psyche throws at me, I will be able to keep going. And, in the end, quite a lot in life seems to be about the seemingly simple acts; putting one foot in front of the other, looking around, enjoying the scenery, and allowing yourself to be glad that you are you. The small of act of telling yourself, every day, that you deserve your own love and acceptance, whatever struggles you might be facing.
in the end, quite a lot in life seems to be about the seemingly simple acts; putting one foot in front of the other, looking around, enjoying the scenery, and allowing yourself to be glad that you are you.
That’s my resolution. I’m going to be kind to myself, every day. I’m going to keep on telling myself that I’m doing just fine, and that no matter what happens, I deserve my own good opinion. Bizarrely, I’m scared of the challenge, but I’m going to do my absolute best to live the messages that I know to be true, rather than giving an inflated credence to that ever destructive Inner Critic that has become such a dominating force in my existence. It doesn’t sound as exciting as landing my first leading role in a feature film, or of having my first screenplay produced, or of self-actualising, but it’s the foundation for being able to allow those things to happen.
This years lesson is about standing back, trusting myself, loving myself, and being kind. What’s yours?
Whatever picture you would like to draw for your year, I hope you feel able to treat yourself with kindness. You totally deserve it.
To a different kind of new years resolution 🙂
