Mentally I am not at my best. Fundamentally, I think a fair proportion of the issue is to do with the simple fact that sometimes, my most basic personality traits conflict with the requirements of being a parent. Gradually, I’ve allowed myself to become depleted, and now I’m just TIRED.
I feel guilty even writing this down. Or feeling it. For the most part, I love being a Mum. It’s the most joyous thing I’ve ever experienced. There are so many incredible moments, so many lessons, such a richness to every tiny activity. I’ve always felt hopelessly lost in myself, never fully able to share the love I have with anyone – but with my son & daughter around, I have fellow human beings who can receive all that I have to give. An amazing feeling. But, at the same time, I can lose perspective entirely and make EVERYTHING about them and their needs. Without realising it, my cup becomes empty, and I don’t know how to begin to try to fill it.
I can lose perspective entirely and make EVERYTHING about them and their needs. Without realising it, my cup becomes empty, and I don’t know how to begin to try to fill it.
It’s a paradox, becoming a Mum. On the one hand, your entire world is filled with joy, moments of incredible discovery, and you feel a sense of agency that you have never experienced before. On the other, your time is no longer your own. There seems to be little time or energy for your own interests, and you feel disempowered because your life is now beholden to other human beings not only in theory or social construct, but through biology. Even if you intellectually create a structure that allows you more ‘you’ time, you can’t switch off being a Mum. Part of you is always there with your children. It’s just the way that it is.
Even if you intellectually create a structure that allows you more ‘you’ time, you can’t switch off being a Mum. Part of you is always there with your children. It’s just the way that it is.
The ultimate result of this? A life filled with more laughter and moment to moment joy than you ever imagined possible. And, conversely, a life that more often than not, no longer feels like your own. For someone whose fundamental driver has always been personal freedom and autonomy, that shift is a challenge.
If I don’t get the alone time that I need to process the day to day events of life, to incubate ideas, to spend time trying to make sense of the bigger picture, I find myself lost in a maze of incomplete perceptions. I feel unsure of my own reality.
I need my down-time to process. I’m a walking INFJ stereotype. If I don’t get the alone time that I need to process the day to day events of life, to incubate ideas, to spend time trying to make sense of the bigger picture, I find myself lost in a maze of incomplete perceptions. I feel unsure of my own reality. Since becoming a parent, it’s become harder and harder to find that time to process, and with another baby on the way, I’m not entirely sure of how I can possibly cope without losing my marbles entirely. I’m sure that all I need is some space to process it all and I’ll find some clarity, but for now, I’m just a walking mess of anxiety. Not that anyone could tell. We’re all very good at hiding all of that, aren’t we?
for now, I’m just a walking mess of anxiety. Not that anyone could tell. We’re all very good at hiding all of that, aren’t we?
I don’t know how anyone else feels. I couldn’t claim to. But I do find myself wondering if there are other parents out there struggling with this paradox. It’s not just that you feel tired and depleted, and in a state of deep craving for some time and energy for yourself. It’s the contrasting but equally powerful feeling of complete joy and self-completion that having a child brings at the same time. The contrast makes me feel so many conflicting emotions – excitement, hope, fear, but most of all, I feel GUILT, for not being able to just appreciate the wonder of it all without feeling as though I am about to fall into a dark pit of unprocessed emotional gunk that will threaten my already fragile balance entirely.
If you’re feeling anything similar to this, as though you are allowing yourself to be depleted of what YOU need because you are so driven to put your child or children first, I am right there with you. If you’re feeling guilty because you love them so much, but feel a resentment at losing a part of yourself through a basic lack of time and energy, I am right there with you. Whatever is causing you to feel guilty, or out of balance, or scared, take solace in the basic truth that you aren’t alone. And that is a truth. I’m right there with you.
