It’s my husbands’ birthday this week. For those of you who have an interest in astrology, he is a Sagittarian. Apparently, Taureans and Sagittarians don’t make very good partners. We’ve done rather well to beat the astrological odds. Or.. Perhaps astrology isn’t particularly watertight. That’s a very personal decision (and a whole other blog post) 😊
I rather like birthdays. In my family, they were always a big deal. My parents didn’t get along, AT ALL, but, despite their total incompatibility, they both created special days for each other. In my memory, anyway. My Mum will send us messages on the 1st day of the MONTH of a birthday, because it’s an exciting thing in our family. Perhaps it is because they were days that provided an escape, an excuse to live an alternate reality for 24 hours, a chance to step out of the emotional turmoil of the day to day. Whatever the reason, we still like to make a fuss of each other on birthdays, and I don’t want to let that go.
Perhaps it is because they were days that provided an escape, an excuse to live an alternate reality for 24 hours, a chance to step out of the emotional turmoil of the day to day.
My husband has rather a different view. He wants to have a fuss made of him, but he doesn’t hold the same sentimentality about birthdays that I do. I’m not so big on getting gifts on my birthday, but I must admit, I appreciate being given a bit of special treatment. For me, that is basically being given free reign to do what I want, when I want, and not being obliged to anyone (this may happen in 10 years or so when the kids are a bit older!). I like to be given the chance to watch the entire Rocky saga even though it’s not a possibility at any other stage of the year. It’s a day for me to feel indulged, and even though I have a voice that tells me that it is silly to want that, there are other voices that remind me that it’s OK to want that. To need it, even. It’s a human thing.
Anyway, I get excited about people’s birthdays. I like to have ideas for them, to make things for them, to send things in the post. I enjoy making a fuss of my other half on his special day. It’s an opportunity to tell him how wonderful he is, without fear of rejection or of feeling silly, and to wrap things and create a sense of surprise and childish indulgence in our often self – conscious mental space.
Despite my fundamental sense of wanting to celebrate, though… There is always a lingering question in my head. Do I want to celebrate the birthday for them? Or is it actually for me? To somehow gain validation and gratitude for the effort that I’ve put in, to somehow feed my ego? It is a strong possibility.
Do I want to celebrate the birthday for them? Or is it actually for me? To somehow gain validation and gratitude for the effort that I’ve put in, to somehow feed my ego?
I get very over excited, sometimes. I have made presents that require time and effort that I often don’t have, but I become completely consumed with the idea of something. One year, at Christmas, I made a photo book for my Mum, but when I spoke to her on the phone and mentioned that I was working on a similar thing for my Dad, she said ‘oh, that’s great for your Dad, but I hate photos, I don’t have an interest’ and it hurt. It made me question myself, though. Why was I hurt by that? I hadn’t given it to her – she still doesn’t know about it. It was a completely innocent statement from her. The issue, was that I wanted her to like it, for her to thank me, to tell me how wonderful I was for making her such a great present. When I create an itinerary for my husband and he is in a grumpy mood on the day for his own reasons, I get annoyed. Usually, I am empathetic towards him, but if I feel I have made an effort and he is a grump, it makes me upset. But that isn’t fair, is it? He shouldn’t have to temper his emotions on HIS birthday just because I’ve made an effort. It is suspiciously self-centred of me. I have to accept that a large part of my attachment to creating a special birthday, or special Christmas for someone is my ego wanting validation. Gratitude. A big fat ego boost.
I have to accept that a large part of my attachment to creating a special birthday, or special Christmas for someone is my ego wanting validation. Gratitude. A big fat ego boost.
With that awareness in mind, I have approached this year differently. I am keen to make it a special day for my husband, but I am also determined that it will not be an exercise in ego gratification for me. I have also found that although having the children around changes the dynamic of the day rather significantly (no lazy lie ins, days watching films, marathon gaming days now!), I have benefitted hugely from having company in my somewhat childish excitement around preparing for the day.
My daughter is nearly 4 now, and it’s been amazing preparing for her Daddy’s birthday with her. She has made him a card, so lovingly, with such enthusiasm, and she can’t wait to give it to him. She can barely contain her excitement at wrapping presents. We took a trip to the shop and she couldn’t help but tell him that he couldn’t come on our secret walk, because we were going to the shop to get him a birthday cake. The joy in her eyes at having given the game away was absolutely beautiful, so pure, so full of excitement at such a simple thing – and it made me realise that there’s nothing wrong with getting silly over celebrating someone’s birthday and creating little surprises. It’s one of the little joys in life, the opportunity to enjoy the anticipation of seeing little plans and schemes come off. I’ve always thought myself really ridiculous for enjoying giving gifts, for getting so sentimental when someone close to me celebrates a birthday, but my daughter’s enjoyment of the whole thing has vindicated me. It isn’t superficial, or materialistic. It’s simply an opportunity to share and spread love to someone in your life.
The joy in her eyes at having given the game away was absolutely beautiful, so pure, so full of excitement at such a simple thing – and it made me realise that there’s nothing wrong with getting silly over celebrating someone’s birthday and creating little surprises.
It doesn’t have to be big, expensive, grand or complicated. It just has to be pure and true. Like most enterprises, you can talk yourself out of it because it’s silly, wasteful, immature, pretentious, overly sentimental, embarrassing, self indulgent… (these are all things I tell myself about absolutely everything that I do). But if something comes from a pure space in you, if it fills your heart and mind with happiness for a short while, and does no harm to anyone, why overthink it? Sometimes it’s the simple things that can fill you up, and for me, celebrating my loved ones’ birthdays makes me feel the good things. It can be an exercise in ego gratification, but it’s also fun. Sometimes fun is OK.
if something comes from a pure space in you, if it fills your heart and mind with happiness for a short while, and does no harm to anyone, why overthink it?
I’m going to say that again. Fun is OK.
If you’re like me and you struggle to let yourself just have FUN, perhaps we can try and embrace the concept of letting ourselves go together. I’m sure I used to be capable of doing things not because they were aimed at some larger goal, but because they were just… A pleasant way to spend time. I’d like to get back to that state. If you would like to be able to do that again too, I’m right here with you. We can do it!
