Last weekend, I shot a commercial; pretty awesome during the challenging climate of the pandemic. Commercials are highly competitive and difficult to get, so I was of course extremely grateful for the work – but having so many plates to spin between the children, delivering well on the job and keeping myself together mentally can feel overwhelming.
I filmed on Saturday, and on Sunday, I sleepwalked through the day. I felt absolutely exhausted. I wonder if any other actors experience that; you get a job and it’s mega exciting, you feel great, have an amazing day, and then you get home and BAM! You’re a total waste of space.
Cue my Inner Critic. Or, depending on how you like to frame things, my Chimp. Her name is Ethel, and she can be very cruel sometimes. Without context, that probably means nothing to you – I think I have just worked out what next weeks’ post will be about 😊
…my Inner Critic loves it when I’m exhausted. She (yes, she feels very much like a she, and I do wonder why that is) takes the opportunity to tell me how lazy I am, how unfit to deal with life, how self – pitying, and how unlikely it is that I’ll ever be able to cope if my career were ever to take off (because she also loves an opportunity to make me question my life choices in their entirety).
She can be mean, but I have come to terms with her presence in my life. I understand why she is there. And when she tells me that I am a waste of space and have no right to be exhausted, I have a defence.
I literally go through the day, write down what I did and when, and make an OBJECTIVE assessment of whether or not it was an intense day.
This is what my day looked like:
4am: Baby wakes, feed
5am: Baby goes down to sleep
7am: Baby wakes, feeds, nappy change, dressed for the day
7.30am: Preschooler wakes, cuddles, chat, coerce into getting dressed
8am: Take kids downstairs to living room for breakfast / have breakfast
8.45am: Free play for both kids / wolf down breakfast smoothie
9.15am: Quick shower and get dressed for day
9.30am: Take Baby up for nap
9.50am: Downstairs, express milk
10.45am: Baby wakes up, get bag ready, shoes on
11.15am: Car arrives for pick up
12.15: On set, walked to completely empty base unit main waiting room
13.30: Wardrobe
14.45: Hair / Make Up
15.30: Shooting
17.30: Wrap Shooting
17.45: Stills photography
18.30: Car journey home
19.20: Boots off, bag down, feed Baby, get Baby down to sleep
20.00: Read story to preschooler, calm her for sleep and cuddles
20.30: Pizza and Seinfeld with Other Half
22.00: Head on pillow, sleep
03.30: Baby wakes for feed
04.30: Baby back to sleep
Objectively, that is an INTENSE day. Not just because it is non-stop, but because of the emotional and mental challenges of it. Managing the emotional wrangle of being away from the kids. Managing their needs, helping them through the minute challenges they face every day (my preschooler really does find getting dressed a mountain to climb sometimes). The inescapable anxiety that accompanies every acting job is exhausting, like anything that you really care about, you can’t help but want to do your absolute best (& hello, imposter syndrome!). The social element of each new job; making the right impression, not knowing how the day will go, how it will be organised, whether your milk supply is going to dwindle from one day of not feeding your infant.. It all creates a mental weight that takes a few days to release.
Before sitting down and meticulously breaking down the day, my Inner Critic had me completely convinced that I was a waste of space, and weak for being so exhausted by a single day of work. By the time I had gone through the exercise, she was well and truly back where she belongs; in her corner, sulking, but silent. It is so easy to allow that voice in your head to put you down, to degrade you, to make you feel worthless – but there is hope. You can develop defences, and with practice and belief in those fortifications.. They will serve you more than you could ever have imagined possible.
It is so easy to allow that voice in your head to put you down, to degrade you, to make you feel worthless – but there is hope.
I suffer terribly from self – criticism. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to quiet that voice; but the strength of her presence has been a positive in one way – I have been forced to find ways to quiet her when she is trying to get me up against the ropes. This process, of literally documenting how my day has been spent, is one such defence.
If you are a mum who beats herself up because you feel like you don’t ‘do’ anything all day and wonder why you are tired, this is a great exercise. You’ll find that you actually DO a tremendous amount, and take on a crazy amount of emotional responsibility. If you are an actor who is absolutely exhausted the day after a shoot and can’t work out why, let yourself process the intense mental processes and challenges you have just been through. If you are a human being who has a voice inside your head that won’t let you rest… Try this process. Really consider what you do, WHY you might be tired, and trust yourself and how you feel. The combination of objective fact (the itinerary), and how you feel, will gradually show your Inner Critic that you aren’t to be messed with!
To keeping the Inner Critic in their corner!
